Like most girls, (certainly of my era anyway), I was brought up on the fairy story that was "you will fall in love, buy a house, have a pet or two, have children and live happily ever after"
It came as quite a shock when life didn't exactly work out that way :-(
I loved children and had always imagined myself being a mother.
In 1995, I trained as a Montessori Pre-Primary teacher and worked in a few pre-schools in London, however, after a while I became disillusioned with other people's children and wanted my own. The problem was that I was single, with no potential man on the horizon! I was brought up with, what would today be considered 'old fashioned' morals and therefore the idea of simply 'getting pregnant' without a marriage was not an option.
I had what was presumed* as a suspected miscarriage in 2000 and that is, perhaps, the reason that I ended up marrying a man who was no good for me, but whatever the reason, that was what I did. During the five year period we were together, we tried for a family....but nothing happened. (In hindsight, I like to believe that this was fate). We began investigations, however, just as I was due to go in for an operation to check everything out, the relationship split up very suddenly and violently.
Strangely enough, at the time the emotional turmoil I went through was more about the fact that I was divorced and that my marriage hadn't worked, rather than the fact that my husband had tried to kill me.
By 2003 I was single and living in Scotland, my concerns about my fertility growing daily - life was moving quickly don't you know! My new doctor was fantastic, despite the obvious concerns regarding the outcome of any investigations done now could be different by the time I came to try for a family again, he agreed to put me forward for a Lap & Dye examination. The results of this were not fully explained to me as I was still somewhat drowsy and intent of getting home. I heard what I wanted to hear - that everything was fine and that there was no reason for me not to conceive.
Soon after, I found myself a new boyfriend, whom I made jump through hoops to prove that he was genuine. Despite the morals that I was brought up with, my recent experience of marriage had made me realise that it wasn't the be all and end all and so we started trying for a family within a short time of getting together. Two years down the line, we got married and started seeking investigations - the result of which was unexplained infertility. The idea of not having children terrified me - what was the point to life if I couldn't raise a family?? I became one of those obsessive women, only wanting sex because I was ovulating - sex wasn't a pleasure, it was a necessity to my goal. I began thinking that there must be a reason why I was not conceiving; maybe it was fate, just like it had been with my last marriage and although I didn't realise it at the time, there was a reason for us not to have children together. (Crazy, I know, but unfortunately these things do go through your mind).
In 2006, I had an emergency appendectomy, which they did via key hole surgery.
These thoughts became more concrete after we got a boxer puppy, called D'Fur. The idea that my husband was incapable of looking after another being became evident as he forgot to give the helpless puppy his medication and all walking, feeding, training, etc was left to me (I was out of the house from 7am till 7pm at that point, whilst he was only out from 8am till 2pm).
I was aware that the time bomb was ticking, it was growing ever louder. I was nearing 40, I was twice divorced and would probably have to have IVF to conceive. My mother had been diagnosed with cancer a few years before, but it was more than obvious now that it was terminal. Her one wish had been for me to give her grandchildren. At the time, it annoyed me because I didn't think she understood how desperate I felt to have children. I had a few relationships, one being yet again with my first true love, but they were not right and this time I realised that it had to be right to have children. I could not bring myself just to get pregnant for the sake of it, though it crossed my mind virtually everyday!
In 2010 I had another laparoscopy, where they lasered some endometriosis away, but told me that, realistically, I had a less than 5% chance of conceiving naturally as my tubes were blocked due to the scar tissue from the appendectomy and endometriosis. I was bereft, realistically, how was I ever going to find a man (not just any man, but the right man) and undergo IVF (for which I was already too old in my county) in two years?? I knew I would have to come to terms with the fact that I would never have children, but right now, I couldn't deal with it.
[*I use the word presumed suspected miscarriage because I was two weeks late for my period and was woke by violent stomach cramps which resulted in me sitting on the toilet for several hours before being able to make it in to Emergency, where I was told that my uterus had collapsed, but there appeared no reasonable explanation for this, other than possibly I had been pregnant, but wasn't now.]
No comments:
Post a Comment